Decisions Decisions

I am indecisive, more so when it comes to financial decisions, like purchasing things for myself, I'm always concerned I'm not saving enough money, I think that fear stems from knowing I am responsible for someone other than myself ie: My Child. I think I feel selfish when I buy myself something expensive, but at the same time i need to be happy too, If I'm not happy, I can't make anyone else happy. You need to be happy in order to make others happy ie: our children.

Before I had my daughter Music was my life, it was what I thought about when I woke up in the morning and was my last thought before sleep at night, I know being a Singer is not a practical career for a single mother, there is no financial security, the hours are too long and I could never justify that much time away from my daughter, so I've conceded that this dream has to wait, and I'll be honest it hurts me deeper than I can express, but the unconditional love I feel for my daughter overwhelms that pain, being a Mother is something more than I have ever imagined, She is my world.

So today I bought myself a Keyboard, one with weighted keys so it is similar to that on a Piano, I feel guilty as it took a significant amount from my savings but at the same time I need to feel that connection to Music again.

I'm also about to start studying again, Certificate 4 in Community Services which I'm partly accredited in Thanks to Talking Realities and I hope to finish that in 6 months through OTEN. Which brings me to my next big decision University. I've always had an interest in Education and have decided to take my career in the direction of Primary Teaching, I'm still deciding as it is a big change.

All these decisions....

Toddlers, Training and Talking Realities..

When i hear the word Toddler now or even, Child/Children/Kids especially in relation to the word my I instantly think Juggling Act, Not just any kind of juggling act either, the kind where your juggling then slip on spilled milk, land in a pile of this mornings toast crusts and drop the pile of clean folded washing you were carrying to it's temporary home. I have a 2 ½ year old daughter and whilst today's juggling act didn't involve milk toast crusts and clean washing, it did involve me standing in the middle of the walk way at a busy shopping centre trying to coax my daughter up off the floor whilst onlookers stared on and wondered who was going to win first, me or a child with no concept of patience, She won. I lost. I tried walking away and pretending i was going to leave her (she didn't believe me, or she didn't care... not sure which) I tried threatening to take something or other away, but still it went on. I eventually went over and grabbed her hand got her to her feet, she protested, I continued, then we had a similar display a few metres from where we just were to which i ended up carrying her and putting her in a trolley once we reached Kmart.

Lately i've added a few more skittles to the juggling act of life, I got on board with the Talking Realities Young Parenting Program and with that comes Training and a possible future accreditation in Cert 3 of Community Services, as well as that i run a Playgroup for Young Mums 1 day a week, i finally got that up and running after much planning and venue searching around the same time that Training for TR started. I plan to maybe go on and do Primary Teaching at Uni or perhaps even look into working more permanently with Karitane. I have to admit though the thought of studying full time even from home is daunting, it would mean sacrificing a lot of time with my daughter in order to get ahead in the future, but that isn't just a fear or worry that myself as a young mum has, i think it is something all women who have children feel, but if you stay home and do "nothing" you are judged, or feel judged for choosing to take that time to be with your young child, to me those 1st 4 years before your child starts school are precious they'll never happen again (not that the years after that will come again either but it's different) They are really the only 4 years where it can be just the 2 of you, playing, learning, having adventures and just watching them grow, before you have to hand them off 5 days a week to go and learn important academic and social skills that they need for the rest of their life. That's not to say that the years after that time are not precious because they are, and of course you will still have quality time and they will always be learning and of course there will always be adventures but making that choice to leave them is hard, no matter what your age.

Til our next adventure...

LLR