Loneliness, Autism & Parenting.

So...

I'm going type about how lonely i feel sometimes. I want to emphasise that i'm not complaining, and I'm not saying my life is so hard, because well, its not.. But with parenting comes that deep feeling of loneliness sometimes.. Especially when your child doesn't talk yet. Mason, my darling baby, is 3 years old and 8 months. He is my whole world. When he was born on new years day in 2012, my life changed for the better.. However, he was always very difficult to deal with in terms of behaviour. I knew something was up.

I finally got a diagnosis when he was 2 and 8 months old (so a year ago).. And found out he has a Global Developmental Delay, and has Autism Spectrum requiring high support.

So, my son has Autism. And it's pretty intense as of late. Together we both have a routine that cannot be broken. I literally can't do things different everyday.. And that's what i liked doing before having my 3 year old.. I loved having no plans everyday. Just doing whatever. I miss those days. But i also don't ever regret having kids.. So don't get me wrong. My son Mason is my whole life. And if i didn't have him, my first born child - i honestly don't know where i would be! I seem to sometimes need to focus on that.. where would i be if i didn't have him? Well, i can tell you i wouldn't have the drive to study my Bachelor degree- especially law... And i wouldn't have the need to complete it- in order to give him the best therapy he so desperately will need over the coming years.

Back to the topic at hand though. I was so used to just doing whatever, whenever. Now it seems the routine of Wake up at 7- Get mason fed- bathed- dressed- take him to school. Or if he doesn't go to school its fed-bathed-dressed-tv-ipad-toys-washing-fed-playoutside-fed-bathed-dressed-bed. And God forbid should it be some other way- like wake up-bathed-dressed-fed. Then i have to sit there for an hour or two calming him down. Which, is not the funnest of things. But it can be avoided.

I feel like sometimes i can't go to a few places with him. Lately it's been lingering that i should just keep him at home, and not take him to the shops- and this brings me a sense of loneliness. Like, i seclude myself and my son Mason, to make everyone happy. So they don't have to listen to the 90% chance that he will indeed have a massive meltdown. (i don't like the word tantrum with him, because thats not what he is having, it is for sure- a full blown meltdown.) There are so many other 'ticks' with Mason- he doesn't like it when you put his shoes on differently, and sometimes they have to stay on and you have to take them off him after he sleeps. Or, if you're washing his 'out of space' doona, and its not dry by bed, he won't sleep in his bed. There's many many more things, that i have adapted to so being asked what they are- there is such a list- that such list has been accustomed to.

This feeling of not going anywhere because of his meltdowns, t shouldn't be this way. For over a year now, i haven't changed our routine. I have been invited to 100's of things.. (i'm pretty popular until recently). .And i have been rejecting my friends, my family and i have been seriously cornering off mason & i to the rest of the world.

There's even times where i didn't want to go to presentations with him. I haven't gone to a school presentation with Mason. in so long anyway. But this is my own insecurity .. i don't like upsetting people. I don't like their lingering eyes, that are full of hate and you can feel them judging you from a million miles away.

Nah, thats not what i want.

So i wanted to write this blog, to let all the girls know that you're not the only ones feeling lonely- or even trapped because you have little kids who have tantrums, or ticks. Or, if you're like me, you have someone close to you that i call a very serious mental issue such as Autism.

I'm going to go out with mason more, i don't want people judging me anymore. yes, it hurts sometimes, and yes, i don't like this feeling of constantly feeling like i can't go out with my own son, but what are a few words and stares REALLY going to achieve?

I hope that this post makes people know that they're not alone.. And they can message me anytime..


Steph xox