Sunday 1 July 2018

My emotional roller coaster of an afternoon.

Hey everyone !

For those who don’t know me, let me start with a little introduction. My name is Natalia, I’m 25 and I am a mum of three beautiful children. My eldest is Noah (8yrs) who I had when I was 16, my middle child is Jack (2.5yrs) and my youngest is my only daughter Natalka, who just turned 1 this past weekend. I am still with their father and we live together with my parents. I recently graduated from uni with a Bachelor in Social Science (Criminal Justice & Criminology/Child and Community) 

Ok so I can’t remember the last time I blogged, but tonight the stars have aligned. It’s 8pm, my kids are asleep, dishes are done, and I still have 30 mins until my show starts, so what better to do then write a little something for the Talking Realities blog. I couldn’t really think of a ‘topic’ so I thought I would just focus on one of my favourite segments of the presentation, which is called Relationships and feelings. In this segment we address the range of different emotions we felt being pregnant, and as parents. Yesterday I decided to quickly jot down different interactions and how they made me feel, even if it was only for a moment or two. Although I started in the afternoon, I was surprised at how many situations came about and they made me feel. So..here we go:

4.30pm. 
Mum came home from work. We  had our usual ‘how was your day?’ chat in the kitchen while we prepped dinner. She mentioned that she talked to Noah the other day he said he didn’t like school. I was surprised because I have never had any issues getting him up and ready for school, and he always seems happy when I pick him up. I wondered whether he could be being bullied ? When I was in high school I had a friend take his own life due to bullying, not to mention the horrible bullying stories you hear on the news all the time. My stomach tightened from the anxiety. 
Mum also mentioned that Noah needs to be doing activities outside of school. Apparently her friends daughter does swimming five days a week as well as violin and keyboard lessons on the weekend.  

I left the conversation feeling slightly defeated and anxious. I made a mental note that I needed to ask Noah about his school situation as soon as I have moment. I also had to work out a budget plan if I was to put Noah in extra activities.. they are so damm expensive. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to make cuts somewhere...I hated the thought of him missing out. 

6.30pm  
I sat down with Jack to do some reading. I pointed to some shapes and ask them what they are. ‘Mum, wook a cur-cool’ he said. He meant to say ‘mum look a circle’ but he has a slight speech delay and is still having some issues with pronounciation. Occasionally when I read with Jack I wonder whether me falling pregnant with Natalka when he was still so young contributed to his speech delay... I was so exhausted from working/studying/motherhood and being pregnant that I didn’t get to read to him as much as I would have liked to. Yeah.. maybe if I had red to him a little more, made more time and prioritised him. I felt the guilt sink it. The last thing any parent wants is for their child to struggle at school. 

7.00pm 
It was time to put Natalka to bed. I laid her down in her cot and gave her the warm bottle of milk, within minutes she was finished and holding onto the railing of the cot crying.  I reached over from my recliner chair and lay her on my tummy. I gently patted her back and within minutes she dozed off to sleep. 
I really need to stop doing this, I thought to myself. I need to start teaching her to self settle.. that’s what you’re suppose to do apparently.. so the parenting experts say . It was just too damm convienant to put her to sleep on my tummy. Nevertheless, I shouldn’t be taking the lazy way out! That’s  the problem with my generation of mothers, apparently we are all about convienance. Turn on the news and all you hear is how our kids are becoming obese, bratty little ipad addicts and it’s all because us parents don’t discipline and want convienence. 
Only today there was something on the news about ‘gaming disorder’ becoming an actual recognised medical condition! It made me
panic slightly because Noah had been really into Fortnite lately and the last thing I needed was suffering from some gaming addiction. Ugh. There was always something causing panic. I felt like I was failing a little and told myself that I needed to stop letting Natalka fall asleep on my tummy and set more boundaries with Noah’s gaming. 

7:30pm 
I decided to put Natalka in her cot and go check on Noah to a) address his apparent lack of motivation in attending school and b) to sus out whether he has a gaming addiction. The conversation went a little like this: 

Me:Noah? 
Noah:Yes mum
Me:How’s school going?
Noah:Good. 
Me:Anything interesting happened lately?
Noah:No.. not really 
Me:Any bullying or anything you want to talk to me about?
Noah: No mum.. why?
Me: Babcia (grandma) mentioned to me that you said you didn’t like school anymore? Why’s that?
Noah: Oh.. no I like school. Schools pretty cool. I just don’t like how it takes up so much of my life.
Me:What do you mean?
Noah: Mum.. we like.. only get 2 months off a year. 

I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. ‘Only’ two months off he says. I felt a sense of relief come across me. His not being bullied,  he just doesn’t think two months of a year is not enough. Which is ...understandable I guess. 
I gave him a hug and told him that it was almost time to put the iPad away. ‘You can’t be on it for too long Noah it’s not good for you’ i tell him. ‘Okay mum I’ll put it away in a second’. 

Thankgod. No bullying. No gaming addiction.... at least not today. 

7.45pm 
I still had some time before Noah and Jack’s bedtime, is I decided to lay down for a bit and browse my Facebook newsfeed. First thing I noticed was an old work mates newly uploaded holiday snaps. She was the same age as me, but was single and childless. Her life always seemed so exciting 
and full of adventures, and she spent a good part of her year travelling to the most beautiful places. There was nothing holding her back, and no responsibilities. Not one. Gosh I wish I could be that spontaneous. It was not uncommon for me trip to Woolies a week in advance for goodness sake. Ughhh.. She was in New York City and It looked amazing. I had wanted to go since the days I binged on Sex and the City. I felt a tingle  jealousy as I looked through the rest of her amazing holiday snaps. Almost simultaneously came another wave of guilt and inner conflict. Why are you feeling jealous? You have three little kids, aren’t you grateful for that? Isn’t that enough? What about all the women who can’t have children?  I got off Facebook before it got any worse and reminded myself that I should be grateful for what I had. 

So there we have it. Within the course of an afternoon.. the emotional rollercoaster that is parenthood. If I am being honest,  I will tell you that feelings of stress, anxiety, guilt, jealousy and failure have always been apart of my experience of motherhood. That being said, I never noticed that I went through almost all of these emotions daily!! It just highlighted to me that parenthood is indeed a mental marathon. Not only are we constantly cleaning, cooking, feeding, bathing, clothing, reading, playing and driving our kids around, internally we are battling feelings of guilt, inadequacy and failure. I feel like it’s important for us all to remember that, because as cliche as it sounds we really have no idea of other people’s battles. Be kind to each other and remember you are not alone in the way that you feel! 
With that I leave you guys because Love Island is about to start ! Have a good week guys! Xxx 







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